I had toed the line for months. Entertained the idea for far too long. The time had come. You know that moment when it’s time to stop talking and just start doing? That moment had arrived. No looking back. No regrets. YOLO, right? I made the call, set up the appointment and endured the sleepless nights of anticipation that stood between me and d-day. When it finally arrived, I snapped a quick selfie to commemorate and walked in to the home of a sweet friend, facing my fear and my fate. After about an hour, I stepped into the crisp sunlight… with bangs. And my life would never be the same.
It was a big decision. Hair decisions are big decisions. Can I get an amen?!?! (Thank you ladies.)
Gentlemen, yes, I’m about to spiritualize my bangs. It’s fine.
The first few days were wedded bliss. I loved the new look and with each compliment, I could feel my insecurities melting away. It was like a bangs vs. insecurity showdown and the bangs were totally winning. DING! But after a few weeks, I realized that this was going to be work. Before I knew it, these bangs of mine had reeled me in and chained me down to a toiling commitment. If you have bangs, then you know, there is constant upkeep involved. Trimming, styling, pinning… repeat. Lord have mercy. Brushing them off my face every two seconds got old REAL quick. And here is the kicker. Every day, every minute, without fail, there was a small chunk of hair that absolutely, charismatically wanted to be in the club. It wanted to be a bang. Though it clearly originated from too far back to ever even be considered for the position, it continued to fall forward. Like clockwork about 30 seconds after I had repositioned it from its last journey forward. I could not even cope.
So of course, my over analytical brain got to thinking. Oh no. I am that wannabe bang.
How many times have I ever wanted to be something I’m just not? Um, maybe like, every day? Seriously, why can’t I just rest in how God created me, and trust that there is purpose, intention and joy involved? I hope I’m not alone here.
I think I have always struggled with this to some extent. It explains my excruciatingly annoying (to myself and others) struggle with indecisiveness. If I were to fully embrace the personality, the gifts, and the abilities God has given me, would I question what I’m doing with my life as much as I do? Would I constantly compare myself to those around me? I know I wouldn’t be nearly as insecure. The truth is, Scripture tells us that God knew us before we were born, he decided all our specifics and prepared in advance what we would do with them. I think God might be as annoyed with me as I am with my stray hair. “Erica, you can not be that!” As he gently positions me back where I belong. Praise the Lord He is infinitely gracious.
And what about that? How often do we thank Jesus that we have a place to belong? I think I am so focused on what I want to be, sometimes what I can’t and was never intended to be, that I’m missing countless opportunities to thank Him that I have a place and a purpose specific to me. Sure, He could fulfill it without me, probably in a thousand other ways, but I get a place and a purpose from the Creator of the universe. Without me, without you, there’s a gapping hole. Maybe He will choose to fill it, maybe He won’t. But we will definitely miss out on the joy He intends for us.
Having said all this, I think I need to write. I think that’s it for me, or at least part of it and at least for right now. Maybe I’ve spent too long trying to do other things, trying to find the balance of being me but trying to be like everyone else too. I’m not supposed to be the perfect wife right now. God’s purpose for me right now isn’t to be a great mom. I hope one day these things are true, but right now, nope. I’m not a bang! But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place and a purpose, that makes much of Jesus, in the best possible way.
So without further adieu, Resting In Pursuit. With sadness, I leave my friends here at Before The Cross, to start something that scares me to no end, but that I am praying Jesus uses for His great name and glory. It’s simply a place to tell you my stories. Stories of my not so glamorous life in a big city, stories of encountering Jesus, stories of a single girl with highly emotionally moments of instability, stories that will hopefully make you love me, hate me, cry with me, laugh with me, and feel like an idiot with me. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be a part of BTC (shout out to Mike!), but I am excited for what’s ahead (in a “LAWD-HELP-ME-WHAT-AM-I-DOING?” kind of way)! Thanks for letting me share with you here, I hope you’ll come visit me often. And I hope you are encouraged today, trust the Creator. He is our joy and satisfaction as we live out the purpose He has just for us.
Also, I’m growing out my bangs.