The test was positive! The little blue line was faint, so to make sure I wasn’t seeing things I took another test and then I called my husband into the bathroom to read the results. The box said, a line is a line. I was pregnant! I was so elated and I was certain this time was different. I was pretty sure I was feeling the pregnancy symptoms; nauseated and tired. So I did what I had done with every other pregnancy, I called the doctor.
I knew the next few days would consist of blood being drawn and grueling waiting periods. The doctors would be watching my HcG levels, Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. With a healthy pregnancy, this special hormone doubles every 72-hours (americanpregnancy.org). This would give insight to my doctor if this would be a healthy pregnancy or if it would end like the previous six, in a loss of life. My doctor did the initial test and then a test 48-hours later and my numbers doubled. My fear and anxiety decreased a little. I thought, God was surely going to bless us this time, I had been praying so much asking Him for a baby.
The next set of tests didn’t exactly double, but the doctor did an ultrasound and the baby seemed to be developing just fine. At my 8-week appointment the doctor did another ultrasound and there was a heartbeat! We hadn’t made it this far since our first miscarriage! Babies who develop a heartbeat around the 8 week mark have only a 2% chance of miscarriage (miscarriageassociation.org.uk). At that point, my guard came completely down. I sent out an elated email to our close friends and family, telling them that God had finally answered our prayers! We received so many congratulations and praise Gods!
A week later something seemed wrong. I wasn’t cramping or bleeding, so I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. I had to call the doctor and say, “Can I see the doctor, I think something is wrong”. I walked into the office with so much fear. I had walked into appointments with this same pit in my stomach, knowing the results weren’t going to be good. My husband held my hand and told me all would be ok. But, I knew he was wrong.
Things were not going to be ok, we were about to find out we lost our 7th child. The technician began the ultrasound, moving the wand around, saying “hhmmm”. She then got up and walked out the door, but I wasn’t going to wait another minute to confirm what I knew in my gut. So I asked if the baby was ok. The technician dropped her head, said no and left to get my doctor.
The dark room that brought so much joy the week before was now suffocating me. I didn’t understand why! Why was it I carried our oldest/only child 5 years earlier with a textbook pregnancy, and then lost 7 babies in a row? Was God doing this because I was a bad mother? And why would He let me get such high hopes with the heartbeat? I was wrecked, I was a hysterical mess. I was hurt. I was broken.
Two days later my husband and I left town for a wedding. I hadn’t slept in 48 hours and I had lost the luster to laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. To me, this was it. I was never going to have another baby again. We couldn’t afford adoption or any other methods to conceive. My destiny was set, so I was not only grieving the loss of our child, but also the chance to have more children. The night before the wedding as my husband slept beside me, I sobbed uncontrollably. My cry was intense, I was afraid I would wake him. I went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and took out my journal and turned out praise music. As I listened to the truth resounding from my phone I wrote out a prayer, “God, I don’t get it!”. Anger, hurt and confusion were all wrapped up in those words. Then unexplainably, my pen and the paper met and did not part ways until the sun rose the next day.
In that time I wrote 21 pages which created 8 devotionals. (I don’t understand, I can’t get passed my unbelief, Everything I have ever wanted I found in You, Our Father’s Heart, Call me Mara, If God is for me, who can be against me?, and The Greatest Lie). As you can see in the titles of my devotionals, the more I wrote, the more I became liberated from my anger and fear. And if any of you have walked any path of pain, you know that no amount of crying or writing will heal your heart that fast. God was at work and He was reaching down from heaven and embracing me on that bathroom floor. I had a heart transplant. The truth of who God is became more real than it had any other time before in my life. And there was no doubting the way God had worked in my life on that cold tile floor.
My circumstance had not changed, we had still just lost a child and there was no hope for another child, but my faith and hope was renewed. I walked out of the bathroom understanding more about the character of God. And I knew it was God, because the work that had happened in my heart matched with what Scripture said to be true of God.
- HE is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
- HE gives rest to weary (Matthew 11:28).
- HE restores our souls (Psalm 23:3).
- HE is good, a refuge in times of trouble (Nahum 1:7).
- HE is gracious to us (Psalm 67:1).
- HE hears our cries (Psalm 66:16-19)
- HE is always with us (Matthew 28:20).
- HE is always faithful (Psalm 57:10).
- HE is who He says He is. (John 14:11).
If today you cannot see past the tears or you are weighed down with anger, remember who God IS. HE will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself (2 Timothy 2:13).